Make your own free website on

Middle School Teachers Pass No Politician Left Behind Legislation

The Council of American Middle School Teachers, meeting in Omaha Nebraska, Wednesday, passed the No Politician Left Behind Legislation. “This bill is designed to bring our politicians up to eighth grade level of performance in all curricular areas that may affect their job performance,” said John Kowalski, Language Arts representative from Texas.

“We first became aware of the severity of the problem in the early ‘80s when President Reagan plagiarized lines from movies, mistaking the fictitious references for actual history,” reported Julie Scranton, Social Studies Representative from Pennsylvania. “We found it truly embarrassing to try to explain to our students why they would receive failing marks for the same performance they were observing in the president of the United States.”

The No Politician Left Behind Bill passed the house of Language Arts (“English”) Teachers with 80% of the votes. Edward Steele, representative from North Carolina explained this way, “When ever one of our students writes the same way George Bush, Senior or ‘Dubya,’ speaks, we have to put red marks all over his paper denoting incomplete sentences, incoherent thoughts, subject predicate mismatches and a mix of other really basic errors. Such papers usually receive ‘F’s’ or require total rewrites.”

The House of Math Teachers also gave No Politician Left Behind resounding (85%) support. North Dakotan Math Representative, John Fermat explained, “Let’s face it, the budgetary errors they make on a daily basis demonstrate cognitive failures below the level that our standards have set for sixth grade!”

House of Social Studies Teachers, Erin McIntire (OH), explained the passage of No Politician Left Behind in their house this way, “The world history teachers were disappointed by the lack of basic cultural and geographic knowledge demonstrated by both the Legislative and Executive Branches in Washington. But the Civics and American history teachers were bothered by the constant attempts to pass legislation that violates the Bill of Rights.”

There was some contention in the House of Gym Teachers where No Politician left behind passed by only 60% of the vote. Presenting the dissenting view, Judith Merlino, of New Jersey reported, "Those boys in Washington really know how to break up into two nearly equal teams, and really go at it. We try to promote that type of competition for all our classes."

The No Politicians Left Behind bill passed each house of the Council of American Middle School Teachers with minimal debate, in less than two days. Californian Science Representative, Jackie Moonbeam, summed it up by saying, “By 2012 we hope to have all three branches of the Federal Government up to the same level that we expect of our own eighth grade students. At that point, however, they may recognize that the constitutional separation of powers does not authorize us to pass this legislation, either.”

We received this from one of our teacher friends, we believe in response to Bush's public school regulatory act (NCLB) bill.

For similar reporting of the news see:
The Onion Doonesbury
The Church of the SubGenius (on religion) Dilbert (corporate policy)