The Tongue in Cheek News
"That which you hold above the analysis of humor you hold above the analysis of reason." -Klaud
Ann Coulter pledges allegiance to bin Laden
|Ann Coulter recently announced she has switched
her allegiance to al-Qaeda under the leadership of bin Laden. In her book
promotion tour, she said bin Laden has always been right about the Godless
secular state. "It makes no sense for bin Laden and I to fight secular
humanism on separate fronts. He hates the secular, Godless,
governments of the West. So do I! We have decided that we can accomplish
more by fighting secular liberalism together. Bin Laden and I agree; a constitutionally
guaranteed separation of church and state is a crime against God which must
Coulter expressed anger towards the victims of September 11th as well as those who have lost sons in Iraq. "These lives were necessary sacrifices in the 'War on Godlessness.' You have no right to complain."
Coulter promises that she, bin Laden, and George W. Bush would continue their common war against Godless secular governments until the victory over the liberals was finally achieved.
In announcing her conversion from Christianity to al-Qaeda Coulter said, "That liberal Jew [Jesus] spent too much time talking about love and forgiveness. He even forgave the woman at the well. Why, with that liberal attitude he might even have forgiven Clinton and been tolerant of the secular state. Pagans and Wiccans may be a bunch of tolerant and forgiving liberals, but not us God-fearing monotheists. That's not what bin Laden and I are about!"
Hamas responded by issuing the statement, "For over a century American liberals have been preaching that women could do anything that men can do. Miss Coulter has spent her career proving that women are not competent to be lawyers, journalists or authors."
This press release comes on the heels of bin
Laden thanking George W. Bush for doing his part to make the September
11th attacks a resounding success. "We had thought we would only
have twenty minutes before the American military stopped the attack, but
the president made sure that America made no response to our attack for
60 minutes. Thank you, W."
Al Qaida Strikes in Texas
February 16, 2006
|A Texas lawyer, Harry
Whittington, was the latest American victim of al Qaida, having been
shot by an al Qaida sniper on a ranch in Texas. The assassination attempt
was carried out by a high level al Qaida agent. This agent is believed to
have been involved in the plot to save bin Laden by drawing American troops
out of the Tora
Bora Mountains where bin Laden had been cornered. The shooter was also
appears to have been involved in the plot to turn Iraq over to the anti-American
Shiites, inciting anti-American sentiments by promoting torture
at Abu Gahrib. He is also believed to have been involved in the sleeper
cell that prevented
a rapid response to the September 11th hijackings insuring that the
planes would have time to hit their targets.
The al Qaida sniper is still at large, and is believed to have access to stockpiles of WMDs, and is considered very dangerous. The Lawyer, is in critical condition at a Texas hospital. NRA spokesman said the lawyer is fortunate to have been carrying a defensive weapon.
Bush Declares: 2005 Plot Thwarted
Thursday, February 9, 2006
|Bush said that domestic wiretapping and unrestricted
presidential authority thwarted a plot by Democrats to take over the Whitehouse
in 2005. "The Democrats are living under constant pressure, and this
adds to our security," Bush said. "The Democrats are weakened
and fractured, but we cannot let the fact that they haven't controlled any
part of the federal government in over five years lead us to the illusion
that the threat of fiscal
responsibility and respect for common citizens has disappeared."
The Democrats who masterminded the thwarted 2000 election victory had already begun plans for 2004 victory. Under that plot, campaigners would rally the poor and minorities to vote. They would take control of the Whitehouse by placing voting machines in poor and minority neighborhoods.
The plot was successfully derailed, by limiting the polling places in suspected Democrat strongholds. Electronic surveillance of the vote count in Ohio and two other states ensured that we could stop any numerical danger from affecting the Republican majority. "By working together, we kept the terror of a Democratic majority out of Washington."
Bush also cited the successful foiling of Democratic plots by using domestic surveillance against Monika Lewinski, and large payments made to Swift Boat veterans. Recalling J. Edgar Hoover's and Joseph McCarthy's domestic surveillance, Bush said, "America remains at risk, so we must Remain vigilant."