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The Tongue in Cheek News

"That which you hold above the analysis of humor you hold above the analysis of reason." -Klaud

 
 

Ann Coulter pledges allegiance to bin Laden
Sunday, June 4, 2006

 

Who's who quiz

 

Ann Coulter recently announced she has switched her allegiance to al-Qaeda under the leadership of bin Laden. In her book promotion tour, she said bin Laden has always been right about the Godless secular state. "It makes no sense for bin Laden and I to fight secular humanism on separate fronts. He hates the secular, Godless, governments of the West. So do I! We have decided that we can accomplish more by fighting secular liberalism together. Bin Laden and I agree; a constitutionally guaranteed separation of church and state is a crime against God which must be stopped."

Coulter expressed anger towards the victims of September 11th as well as those who have lost sons in Iraq. "These lives were necessary sacrifices in the 'War on Godlessness.' You have no right to complain."

Coulter promises that she, bin Laden, and George W. Bush would continue their common war against Godless secular governments until the victory over the liberals was finally achieved.

In announcing her conversion from Christianity to al-Qaeda Coulter said, "That liberal Jew [Jesus] spent too much time talking about love and forgiveness. He even forgave the woman at the well. Why, with that liberal attitude he might even have forgiven Clinton and been tolerant of the secular state. Pagans and Wiccans may be a bunch of tolerant and forgiving liberals, but not us God-fearing monotheists. That's not what bin Laden and I are about!"

Hamas responded by issuing the statement, "For over a century American liberals have been preaching that women could do anything that men can do. Miss Coulter has spent her career proving that women are not competent to be lawyers, journalists or authors."

This press release comes on the heels of bin Laden thanking George W. Bush for doing his part to make the September 11th attacks a resounding success. "We had thought we would only have twenty minutes before the American military stopped the attack, but the president made sure that America made no response to our attack for over 60 minutes. Thank you, W."

 
 
Al Qaida Strikes in Texas
February 16, 2006
 
  A Texas lawyer, Harry Whittington, was the latest American victim of al Qaida, having been shot by an al Qaida sniper on a ranch in Texas. The assassination attempt was carried out by a high level al Qaida agent. This agent is believed to have been involved in the plot to save bin Laden by drawing American troops out of the Tora Bora Mountains where bin Laden had been cornered. The shooter was also appears to have been involved in the plot to turn Iraq over to the anti-American Shiites, inciting anti-American sentiments by promoting torture at Abu Gahrib. He is also believed to have been involved in the sleeper cell that prevented a rapid response to the September 11th hijackings insuring that the planes would have time to hit their targets.
The al Qaida sniper is still at large, and is believed to have access to stockpiles of WMDs, and is considered very dangerous. The Lawyer, is in critical condition at a Texas hospital. NRA spokesman said the lawyer is fortunate to have been carrying a defensive weapon.
 
 
Bush Declares: 2005 Plot Thwarted
Thursday, February 9, 2006
 

Similar News:

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Bush said that domestic wiretapping and unrestricted presidential authority thwarted a plot by Democrats to take over the Whitehouse in 2005. "The Democrats are living under constant pressure, and this adds to our security," Bush said. "The Democrats are weakened and fractured, but we cannot let the fact that they haven't controlled any part of the federal government in over five years lead us to the illusion that the threat of fiscal responsibility and respect for common citizens has disappeared."
The Democrats who masterminded the thwarted 2000 election victory had already begun plans for 2004 victory. Under that plot, campaigners would rally the poor and minorities to vote. They would take control of the Whitehouse by placing voting machines in poor and minority neighborhoods.
The plot was successfully derailed, by limiting the polling places in suspected Democrat strongholds. Electronic surveillance of the vote count in Ohio and two other states ensured that we could stop any numerical danger from affecting the Republican majority. "By working together, we kept the terror of a Democratic majority out of Washington."
Bush also cited the successful foiling of Democratic plots by using domestic surveillance against Monika Lewinski, and large payments made to Swift Boat veterans. Recalling J. Edgar Hoover's and Joseph McCarthy's domestic surveillance, Bush said, "America remains at risk, so we must Remain vigilant."
Past News: June 30,2004
Dick Cheney interviewed yesterday, hearkened back to the days of Woodrow Wilson and reported that the Terrorism to End all Terrorism was succeeding as planned. This he correlated to other successful Bush programs including the Job to End all Jobs, Ashcroft's favorite the Civil Liberty to End all Civil Liberties, and as inspired by Ronald Reagan, the Deficit to End all Deficits. Bush proudly reminded reporters of his own Education to End all Educations, his first major program, which he proclaimed in his original language, "Is our children learning?"
Pat Robertson added that he will still wholeheartedly support Bush by continuing to promote the Religion to End all Religions.